Broken News can report, for the first time, the amazing sequence that will see the Olympic flame lit at the stadium in Rio. Our reporter has been granted exclusive access to rehearsals for the opening ceremony and has witnessed the spectacularly choreographed ceremony that will be beamed throughout the world.
Last week, we brought you the news that the Olympic cauldron would actually be a giant mosquito coil to ward off the risk of Zika infection by mosquitos, but today we have exclusive new pictures from a rehearsal for the Opening Ceremony that will be watched by a potential television audience of 170 gajillion people.
Our exclusive photos reveal that, rather than a veteran athlete, the Olympic flame will be lit by a statue of Christ the Redeemer, igniting the coil that will shine over the stadium for the two weeks of Games competition.
Brazilian engineers have spent months installing animatronics inside the centuries old statue that is the centrepiece of tourism in Rio. It has taken several rehearsals to get the movement just right in order to avoid the statue falling onto the stadium, crushing dozens of athletes and setting the entire arena alight.
Officials are confident that the opening ceremony sequence will continue without incident, although during rehearsals, a fire broken out that caused the evacuation of the Australian team from the Olympic village. That fire was blamed on workers in the village smoking, but Broken News can now confirm that it was an Olympic torch incident that went horribly wrong.
Broken News has also learned new details about other aspects of the Opening Ceremony, which will pay homage to Brazilian culture and history. The ceremony will feature nods to other great Brazilian institutions, including the carnivale and the national soccer team. The culmination of the ceremony will see one thousand samba dancers simultaneously receive Brazilian waxes while performing a capoeira routine, as another thousand petty-criminals steal the handbags of a distracted stadium crowd while the Olympic flag is raised.