What you need to know

  • Tuesday August 9th is Australian Census night
  • The Census is being held during the Rio Olympics, when all our best athletes are overseas.
  • If you’re overseas, you don’t have to fill in a Census form. 
  • Future generations may look at the Census results and assume we were a nation of unfit, out-of-shape slobs.

It’s feared that holding Census night during the Rio Olympics could lead future generations to believe that Australia in 2016 was a land of dolts with little-to-no coordination and absolutely no skill in sport.

Only people who are actually in Australia on Census night are required to complete the Census.  The real danger here is that anyone who is remotely good at sport is in Rio tonight competing at the world’s greatest athletic contest.  Without our sporty Olympic friends to help improve our average, the tabulated Census results will be bloated with a higher than average waistline.

The key Census questions in which we are expected to suffer are the following:

Question 42: Describe your abdominals as accurately as possible, using the following options:
(a) 6 Pack
(b) Entire Case
(c) Entire Keg

Question 51: Tell us about your Body Mass Index (BMI).  Is your average BMI?
(a) In the healthy range
(b) In the unhealthy range
(c) I can’t answer until I find my Maltesers

Question 57: What is your preferred swimming stroke:
(a) Breastroke
(b) Backstroke
(c) Butterfly
(d) Taking a “hot dogs or legs” selfie next to the pool

Question 63: Which of the following ways do you keep fit?
(a) Walking
(b) Running
(c) Cycling
(d) In the handbag section at the Boxing Day Sales

Question 71: What is the main sport that the children in your household play?
(a) Australian Rules
(b) Netball
(c) Soccer
(d) Pokemon Go

Question 80: What is the last community activity that you, or your family took part in?
(a) City to Surf Fun Run
(b) Scouts Jamboree
(c) Clean Up Australia Day
(d) This Census is the most physically active thing we’ve done as a group for a while

Question 91: Would you describe your family’s diet as:
(a) Mostly healthy with plenty of vegetables
(b) Quite healthy with some “cheat” days
(c) If there are Dorito crumbs on my Census form is it still valid?