The opening of the ASX equities market has been delayed on Monday following a massive bucks weekend for a popular young equities trader known as “Johnno”.

The 3 day bender, which started on Friday has seen nearly all of the ASX staff call in sick with massive hangovers, and the ASX trading floor thrown into disarray.


ASX officials have been blaming the problem on a technical glitch, but Broken News can reveal that the real cause is a series of Jagerbombs drinks consumed yesterday afternoon by the group of up-and-coming┬átraders caught up in the excitement of their mate’s memorable weekend.

asx2“Everything would have been fine – but to be honest, the bloke who knows the password to start the ASX computer is still asleep on a bench in Potts Point,” an equities trader who wished to remain anonymous told Broken News.

“If you think the finance industry is annoyed about what has happened this morning…wait til you talk to this bloke’s wife.”

More to follow.