This is an official transcript of the first phone call between Prime-Minister of Australia Malcolm Turnbull and President-elect of the United States, Donald Trump.


Mr Trump will be inaugurated at a ceremony in January and will succeed Barack Obama as President of the United States.

It is customary for world leaders to contact each other after success in their elections.  The transcript has been leaked to by our sources at our Washington DC Bureau.  It has been reproduced in full below.


12.15pm Thursday 10 November 2016

*Phone connects*


TURNBULL: Ah hello, Mr Trump, it’s Malcolm Turnbull, the Prime-Minister of Australia.  Congratulations on your election.

TRUMP: Prime what of where?

TURNBULL: Australia.

TRUMP: Austria?  I love you guys.  I mean Hitler was born there, but you guys are ok.  A lot of people say I’m like Hitler.  But I’m not.  He had a moustache.

TURNBULL: Ah no Mr Trump, I’m from Australia.  You know down under.

TRUMP: Oh.  Gotcha.  I know you guys too.  A country of beautiful women.  And might I say, very f-ckable women.

TURNBULL: Ah perhaps, yes, but if we could possibly, ah, just, talk politics for one moment.

TRUMP: Are you married Malcolm?

TURNBULL: I’m sorry?

TRUMP: Do you have a wife?

TURNBULL: I do, yes, Lucy, and…

TRUMP: Is she a ten?

TURNBULL: Excuse me?

TRUMP: Just put her on the phone.

TURNBULL: Well, she’s not here at the moment.  But she’s a very accomplished woman, she was Lord Mayor of Sydney, and she…

TRUMP: Sounds like a six.  Maybe six and a half.  Anyway, what are you calling for?

TURNBULL: Well, first obviously to congratulate you and secondly, to express our concern that we both honour the terms of the Free Trade Agreement and the ANZUS Treaty. Our nations are very dear friends, and despite at times our disagreements, we will always…

TRUMP: Malcolm.

TURNBULL: Yes, Donald

TRUMP: Shut up.


TRUMP: Malcolm, I don’t know what any of that sh-t you’re talking about means, but I want to know something.

TURNBULL: Yes, what is it.

TRUMP: You’re rich right?  Rich like me?

TURNBULL: Well, yes I suppose I have been rather fortunate to have made some good invest…

TRUMP: Shut up.  I eat guys like you for breakfast.

TURNBULL: Well it’s funny you mention breakfast, because over here the issue of smashed avocado on toast is a…

TRUMP: What the f-ck is wrong with you?

TURNBULL: I’m sorry Donald, we’re clearly off on the wrong foot here, what I mean to say…

TRUMP: What did you just call me?  Did you call me Donald?

TURNBULL: Ah, I’m sorry, yes, Mr Trump.

TRUMP: Let me tell you one thing wise-ass.  I’m the President-elect of the United States.   Or as I’ve been telling the girls in the office here, President-erect.  You got me?  Capiche?

TURNBULL: What is capiche?  Is that like a ceviche?  I do like a delicious ceviche.

TRUMP: You’re an idiot.

*phone disconnects*