Dear Open Letter Writers
We need to talk.
You need to stop. Right now. Cease and desist. For the love of all things good, just please, please, please, please, please, please, please don’t do it anymore.
Real adults don’t write passive aggressive anonymous notes on the internet to people they don’t know. (Yes we know that this is also a passive aggressive anonymous note on the internet written to people that we don’t know either. It’s called irony. Look it up in the dictionary. It’s right near the word irritating.)
Yes that last one is literally a letter to Sam Armytage written from the point of view of her underwear that we came across yesterday. It’s a supportive sentiment, but things are off the charts when we are starting to personify cottontails as concerned penpals. We are very confused, and although here at Broken News we know very little (about anything really), what we do know this genre must be stopped…and stopped now.
Writing letters to celebrities is fine if you are twelve and you’re writing a letter to the drummer from 5SOS. (Okay, even that’s not reallllly fine.) But if you are older than that and writing to a celebrity about your concerns for them, including SOMETIMES WRITING LINES IN CAPITALS FOR EXTRA EMPHASIS, yet might be time to stop, step away and take a look in the mirror. Maybe even take a selfie while you’re there (you look amazing by the way), but whatever you do, don’t go back to the computer and finish writing that letter.
We know that your heart is probably in the right place. We say probably, because we reckon that for every letter written out of genuine concern, there are about a dozen more letters written out of the genuine concern for meeting your blog’s traffic targets for the month or picking up another hundred or so followers. But from now on, let’s all direct our concern in a new way.
We’re not sure when this phenomenon took off, but all of a sudden it became the quickest and easiest way to unleash a feel-pinion on the internet, and to be honest it has become such a hackneyed way to do it that every time we see an open letter, we have to resist the urge to throw our computers out of the second storey newsroom of Broken News.
We’ve lost three perfectly good iMacs this month alone, and the flying computers have become such a hazard to pedestrians below that we we have to demand that these open letters stop appearing immediately.
You’re allowed to be angry, upset, outraged and write about what you’re thinking. But it’s time to ask yourself whether that celebrity really needs your advice – and if you decide they do – whether there’s a better way than writing an open letter. Because we’re just not sure that celebrities spend all that much time reading outraged internet dot blogging your dot com backslash opinions…and to be honest the wifi in their private jet is probably a bit patchy anyway.