The noxious, bitter, foul-tasting weed known as kale still tastes horrific, according to multiple sources.

Despite, numerous enquiries, none of our reporters can confirm where kale came from.  Its appearance appeared to come out of nowhere just under a decade ago.  The first sightings were among hipsters buying it clandestinely at grocers in Bondi and Newtown in 2007.

Some say its arrival in Australia was further heralded by smoothie-swilling wellness bloggers, fresh off the plane from a holiday in LA, with a bag of goji berries on the side.

Wherever it came from, kale has become mainstream.  You can buy a bag of it in Coles for three dollars.  But that doesn’t make it ok.  It still tastes atrocious.

It’s a scandal on a monstrous s(kale).  Sorry.

Few people realise that kale doesn’t grow in the ground.  It is, in fact, harvested in the sweaty armpits of Greco-Roman wrestlers.  This knowledge goes some way to explaining its toxic effect on the palate.

There were of course simpler days.  A land before time, or at least a land before the time of kale.  This was a time when smoothies were made with strawberries and a dollop of yoghurt and milk.  Add kale and suddenly it looks like you’ve whizzed up grass clippings from a lawn mower with a dollop of two-stroke.

Ten years after the arrival of kale, it still tastes bloody awful.

Some people say it’s best enjoyed cooked.  But you’d need to deep fry it in essence of chocolate eclair to get it anywhere near edible.  In the absence of having an eclair nearby, the advice is to douse it in coconut oil and fry it in garlic.  Well I reckon I could take a copy of War and Peace, douse it in coconut oil and fry it in garlic and I could also give it a munch, but it’s just not something we do, is it?

SHARE