The nation’s cocaine dealers have announced a plan to ban plastic bags by the end of 2018,  as part of their “civic responsibility” to help save the environment.  The announcement by the Cocaine Dealers Association of Australia (CDAA) follows moves by supermarket giants earlier on Friday to announce similar bans for their customers.

“For too long we’ve been playing Russian roulette with the environment, by supplying the drug in these small plastic bags,” a CDAA spokesperson told Broken News.  “But with the cocaine epidemic out of control at nightclubs and private homes across Australia, these little plastic bags must be eradicated.”

“Tens of thousands of these tiny bags go into landfill after being discarded by young partygoers, merchant bankers and  advertising industry executives each weekend and it simply must stop.  Once in waterways, the bags can cause as much damage to marine life as they do to a first grade footballer who is found with one of them in his possession with the Ivy.”

It’s understood that the ban will be introduced as part of a gradual scheme, whereby dealers will begin charging users an additional 10 cents per bag.

“It means that the cost of a bag of cocaine will rise from $250 to $250.10,” one dealer told Broken News.  “It’s hoped that the 10 cent plastic bag surcharge will lead to users supplying their own paper envelopes or reusable canvas, or ideally hemp, bags.”

The surcharge will be a temporary measure before the plastic baggies are completely phased out for dealers and users by the end of 2018.

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